“Come on”

• Let’s be serious. You are a dork. Please just stop pretending not to be. It’s OK. Alex is a dork, too. But he ADMITS that. Come on. You’re being a poser. And posers are terrible.
• Let’s go shopping during lunch on State Street. Let’s find the NASTIEST handbag possible. Distressed metallic “fabric” and like ten million buckles and crusty hardware rubbish. Put a Lamb label on it. Open bag: Barph.
• Heeyyyyy! Print like a million things out. NEVER pick them up off the printer. The more paper there is, the better…to hate you with.
• Stop taking things that Alex clearly hates and bring them up repeatedly just to see him squirm. It is a filthy habit. Don’t pour vinegar into an open wound. He has a lot to be pissed about without you making it worse. Doing this while he is eating is truly evil.
• Alex is really into sports. FANATICally. He has a whole fantasy defensive line of Fatheads up in his apartment. They really compliment the hand-crafted Noguchi-ish coffee table in his condo. Not.